Passenger

I fall in love in the
___passenger seat
at night with the windows down
My hand is out carressing the wind
His hand on my thigh,

The red glow of the radio
The outline of his face as he
Sings along, sometimes joking
Sometimes seducing
Always
__leaning
____towards me
______closer with each lyric
Until I plant the kiss on his cheek he is
Subtley requesting

I love during the day
when I see his smile in full light
But I fall in love in the
_____passenger seat
Every time.

Dependance

I heard the line from a song tonight: “I could have used your voice today”.
I could have used you today. I think about your hands on my shoulders when I feel tense. I think about your voice when I’m stressed. I long for your embrace when I’m tired, lonely, happy, angry, and depressed. I depend on you for my happiness. Even though I usually can’t hear your voice when I need to, don’t get to relax when I’m wound up, and don’t get your comfort for many weeks at a time, just the thought that you can fix all my problems fixes most of them when you’re not here.
I am not ashamed or feel weak because I depend on you. I feel strong that I have a person behind me holding me up. I know, without a doubt, that I can make myself happy. I do. But you are my ground, my wall, my mountain, my every cliché.

____

Just a few thoughts. Feeling sentimental. And apparently a little deffiant...Happy though. Very happy.

Yes and No

Yes and No

To people from my past and present, friends and lovers.

Yes,
I still think about you
I still think of “what if’s”
I miss things about you

No,
I don’t think I should forget you
I don’t regret a single moment with you
I wouldn’t change the way things happened

Yes, I am happy.
No, I do not want it back.
Yes, I still love you.
No, I am not ashamed.

________________________

Nothing special I know. But it's heartfelt, and something on my mind. I don't like that it seems to be expected that when a relationship ends, one seems to be expected to be bitter, or at least want to forget the whole experience like that. No one I have loved ever leaves my heart. I refuse to be ashamed of that. And just as much as I don't regret my past, I don't regret that these relationships have ended. People grow and change, and honestly some don't.

Airport Stories/Work in Progress

I sat down in the moderately comfortable seat, the appropriate distance that one seems obligated to keep when it comes to sitting near strangers in public transport waiting areas. Not long after I’d settled down with my laptop, watching some mindless TV show I had downloaded for this specific occasion, a man with neon yellow headphones and a reflective vest approached the small desk underneath the sign that read A Gate 1 B. He announced that boarding for families with children, children flying alone, or people with some sort of special membership, could now board the plane. As people began to pick up their bags, and generally shuffle about, I noticed a man with a working dog standing at the other end of my row of seats. The dog was of medium size, bronze colored, with expressive golden brown eyes. The man on the other side of the leash was not very tall, with buzzed hair. His eyes were not focused and seemed to wander separately from each other. Despite this, his small smile and confidant stance hinted at his awareness of the world around him. I ignored my initial urge to go greet the dog, for as anyone who pays attention would realize, the dog was working. Any attention from a stranger is an unwanted distraction. A small group of our follow passengers stood near the man, and asked him about his dog. His name was Bentley. Yes, he was a good dog, very eager to move. The man smiled like a proud parent, and laughed indulgently with the questioners. Bentley luxuriously stretched and watched the door.
As we lined up to the gate, Bentley slipped past me, causing the man to slightly bump into me. I heard him say “Careful” reproachfully as he passed. The man handling the tickets tagged one of the man’s bags to be stowed away, and asked if he needed assistance up the ramp. He replied, “No, no. It’ll be fine,” then to Bentley, “Forward.” As the worker checked my boarding pass, another woman in the same reflective vest leaned through the door frame and asked, “Did you ask if he wanted assistance up the ramp?” The man with my pass replied, somewhat impatiently, “Yes, he said he’d be fine.” The woman looked perplexed and said, “I believe you but…” and pulled back into the passageway. As I went through myself, I smiled slightly thinking, “O, ye of little faith.” That dog could find his way better than most people, I believe.

_________

This is a work in progress, there's several more bits of story to go after this. Seemed a good point to stop and ask opinions though.

Steps

Everyday, we're taking just a few steps and getting closer to being happy. Just keep your head up, your chest out, bend your knee...and against all the currents of your doubt, other people's doubt in you, and all the forces of the world that want to hold you down, take that one small step that gets you closer to yourself.
I'm beside you, trying just as hard to get through these currents, but don't be afraid to lean on me. There's strength in numbers.
So, cliche as I sound, understand my sincerity when I say you're not alone. And all it takes is little steps at a time...

Why is that Winter always seems to bring out the problems?

So while thinking about classes I need to take next quarter, I realize I have too many interests. I have about half of the requirements for a Bio minor, but after being reminded this quarter of how anal the sciences are that's not going to happen. I have a third of a Theater minor, but don't feel like commiting to take 4 more classes, when I only have 4 more quarters left. I think I'll just accept it, and take whatever classes I feel like outside my requirements for my major. Can't hurt. Funny how I have too many options for academics, but I only have 2 PEs and need 3 more...but I'm not really interested in any (besides the fact that most of them have a fee).

Oh, and have I mentioned how much I hate money?

At least I'm feeling better now.

I think I'm ready to be done with school.

Techies in Suburbia and "Stuck in the Middle with You"

On my way to work today I saw my "boss", Jon, driving away from the shop. He saw me and waved me over. About three yards from his truck, I said "What's up?"
"You clocking in?" he asked.
"Yeah..."
"We're going shopping. Hop in."
He needed props for one of the productions going up in a couple weeks and decided to make it a one stop expedition by going to Meijer. He handed me the list to look over. There were three columns typed on the page, one named the item needed, the second the amount, and the third had a space for extra notes. I commented on the note that corresponded with "pizza". It said that Ben, one of the actors, preffered something vegetarian. Jon and I then engaged in a conversation about the contrariness of a vegatarian diet to that of human nature and dietary needs.
Once at meijer, we began in the food section. Three cheese pizzas were first. Twinkies and oreos came next, then bags of chips. Next were two street hockey sticks and pucks. And the final item, a lawn gnome.
Besides the odd fare, I realized the two of us stuck out from the crowd some. Jon Reeves is a singular person in any situation, but his tattoos, skull rag, and Carhart overalls seemed particularly out of place in such a middle class haven. My paint splattered pants and leather jacket didn't exactly blend in either.
At the checkout, I said, "I'm suprised there are so many people here in the middle of the day, on a Tuesday."
"We're in the suburbs," Jon sneered. "Besides, note the average age. You are the youngest thing around, and I'm even on the lower side."
I put the hockey sticks over my shoulder after they'd been scanned.
The lawn gnome was double bagged.
______

So, I'm stuck in the middle of my friends' drama. Nothing new. I'd give the laundry list, but that's not necessary. But once again I'm finding that being "the rock" for everyone, tends to be a bit tiring. It's getting to be that time when I start loosing my own grip. I need my own personal rocks here to stablize me. One is hopefully coming soon, Nassau. The other will be here in a few weeks, Chase. Hopefully, if I just dig my toes in, I can remain grounded for just a little longer.

Dammed

There are sounds, words, song
In my head, in my heart, in my throat.
They are pushing, pressing to be released.
Shifting larynx, stretching vocal strings,
into my mouth, rolling along my tongue
Sharp and smooth, hot and insistant.
I open my lips and
Silence.
There is a block, somewhere.
Here, there.
The day I breach this dam
There will be a tumult of music,
Sounds, Screams!
Pulsing, pushing,
I Will Not Be Denied!

The silence will forever ring with my heart.

Just some pictures...

New maille stuff:

And cuteness

Florida Holiday: 70 degrees and Christmas Cranes

Well, I'm in Florida for Christmas. Liz's, my sister's, apartment is nice, a little small, but nice. A little sad that I'm spending time away from Chase when I have so little time till I go back to school. It'll be ok though, we have a few days before I leave.

It's been fun. We opened presents, had good food, and just generally enjoyed eachothers' company. I got a digital camera (yay!) and a couple of other fun little things. Dad seemed to give everyone a battery charger with rechargable batteries.

Tomorrow we're going to Universal Studios. Should be fun. Part of me would much rather be on the way back to Greenville so I could have one more day with Chase, but I'm sure this will be fun.

I have been talking through texts with Ian. He and his girlfriend broke up, and apparently he still wants to talk to me, though he hasn't called. *shrug*

Oh, and there are sandhill cranes nearby, a huge flock of them staying in a field during their winter migration. Mom, Liz, and I went and took pictures. Christmas Cranes.

Well....

So, I'm silly. As soon as I saw Chase most of my doubts just disappeared. (Only most because, well, see previous entry "Doubt is a Devil") I've spent most of my time home so far with him. One night we took blanket out into the field next to his house and stargazed. There were lots of shooting stars that night. It was practically perfect.

As for Ian...I'm a wuss. I haven't called him yet....Instead I just sent him a text message. I'm such a chicken.

Going home...or the other home

So I'm sitting in the airport, ready to go back to South Carolina. Thing is, I'm nervous. I didn't think much had changed this year, but now I'm rethinking that. Living in a house, off of campus, I'm realizing I've probably done a lot more growing up. Besides that, I haven't been home for a little more than 4 months. I know that things between my parents and I will be fine. That kind of relationship rarely changes. But Chase...I've already told him I'm nervous. We've kept in touch constantly since I left, but there's that worry that things will be different. I haven't seen him for four months. Have my feelings changed? Has he changed? I can't tell. I'm excited, and worried. And I also know i'm overthinking this way to much.
Another worry, I want to meet up and talk to Ian. For those who don't know, he's an ex who I dated for 3 years, and there's a connection there that I don't think will ever leave me. He called me a few weeks ago, and sounded really stressed. So I want to call him when i get home, but then again I don't. Last time I saw him was more than a year ago, and I was still trying to control my nerves enough not to be sick. I hope I'm over that. I can't really tell. I'm worried that if I call him he'll have changed his mind and not want to see me. Or worse, that he won't remember or will regret having called me before. It could happen. And here i go overthinking. The day I find a way to shut off my thoughts will be a great and relaxing day.
Five hours till I'm in South Carolina. Wish me luck.

Thanksgiving cliche post

It may be over done...but, I can't help myself. I felt the meaning this year...

I'm thankful for the small things this year. Soft fur and a gentle purr in my ear. Sitting in comfortable silence with friends. Having friends to be comfortable with. A dusting of snow. The little ache that reminds me of people who are missing: my sweetheart, my parents, and my sister, friends who are far and not so far away. Memories that make me nostalgic, and memories that make me happy to be who I am, have what I have now.
I'm thankful for realizing that I value my life more than I value my work, and realizing the my work does not have to be my life. I'm thankful for finding my intellectual niche. I'm thankful for my artistic soul and my scientific mind. I'm thankful for the laughter, the thoughts, and the lives of others. And for the first time in my life, I am thankful for humanity.
I am thankful for the existance of love. I am thankful for its sweetness, its bitterness, and its power.
I am thankful for you, whoever you may be. And I am thankful for the chance to be me, and the abitlity to be thankful.

Helter Skelter

I am trying to make sense of the strangest conversation I've ever had
With an old friend who is lost and seems to have gone mad.
I'm beggining to think that sanity is not Real Life.
Trying to reconcile memories with reality.

"She's well aquainted with the touch of a velvet hand
Like a lizard on a window pane.
A man in the crowd with the mulitcolored mirrors
On his hobnail boots.
Laying with his eyes while his hands are busy working overtime.
A soap impression of his wife that eat ate
And donated to the National Trust."

Doubt is a Devil

Doubt is the devil on my shoulder
Whisperin’ in my ear
Doubt is the devil on my shoulder
Never letting me think clear

Pullin at my hair
Whisperin my ear
Her forked little tongue
Sayin that I’m wrong

I find that as I get older
She’s still sittin here
Even as I get bolder
She can still bring tears

And as I get older
This sick little devil
Only seems to grow

And as I get wiser
She’s no compromiser
She twists my thoughts again

Please little devil move over
Let me make decisions without fear
I never wanted this disorder
Whisperin in my ear

____________________

Some lyrics in progress.

The system

I made a D on my exam. And it's a fucking intro class.
I get more sastisfaction from making chainmaille than I do writing an essay, no matter how good or bad the grade. I'm really sick of the grading system. I hate that one letter can ruin my day. Especially when I do enjoy the class, have been engaged in the lectures, and have been doing most of the work. Phooey.

Halfway done

We had a halloween party last night. We invited a lot more people than came, but that turned out fine. A medium size group of friends being silly and talking is enough to make me immensly happy. Dan and Richard were there too. Even better.
Now, I have a lot of work to do. Mostly reading. I'm not behind. Not really. It's just that two of my proffessors have decided I need to read two books for this week. And rehearsals are going an hour longer starting this week. Whee. This should turn out interesting.
The quarter's halway over. The more difficult work and obligations are ahead of me. But I'm that much closer to being back in Chase's arms. I've been alone, romanticallyand sexuall inactive for four months. I'm ready to go home.

Drifting

So I'm begining to feel like I'm losing friends...Not all my friends....Mostly Dan and Richard. I guess it started last spring. They didn't come around much, or seem interested in hanging out. It's about the same this quarter, except now we're not on campus. I really don't like this. I don't want to lose their friendships, but also because it kinda hurts. It makes me feel like maybe something went wrong, and honestly I don't know what or why. Dan I can kinda understand. He can be selfish and a little course...he knows that about himself and sadly doesn't seem to think he should or can change it. Richard however...I don't know if it's just because we're busy and what not. I hope things don't get more distant. I hate drifting. I've lost so many friends in my life. I'd like to keep the ones I finally value and care so much for.

And the beat goes on..

So things resolve themself. It's sunny now. I enjoyed my time at the elementary school. The mail was picked up. I got my money back.
Also, I'm increasingly excited about my role as the Ghost in Hamlet. I can't wait to see what Jon Reeves has in mind for lighting and effects for my scene. =-D

Why Monday hates me...

1. It's raining. Cold, drizzly, annoying rain.

2. I'm currently scheduled to volunteer at a school for six hours a week when I was told around two or three would be required for my class. Working on that. Cause, yeah, I don't have much time to do homework as it is.

4. I went to buy the two books I haven't been able to afford until now. And my card gets denied. I call the bank. Apparently there's only 49 dollars in it. Turns out the money that I got from the school, roughly one thousand dollars, and deposited at the bank is not on their records. Why? I have no fucking idea. But that's the money I need to pay rent and bills. So yeah. I'm pissed. I know it will be worked out. But this is stress I don't need

.3. The mailman has yet to pick up our mail which includes bills that need to be paid soon. Which may be a good thing considering I apparently don't have the money to pay them.