Dammed

There are sounds, words, song
In my head, in my heart, in my throat.
They are pushing, pressing to be released.
Shifting larynx, stretching vocal strings,
into my mouth, rolling along my tongue
Sharp and smooth, hot and insistant.
I open my lips and
Silence.
There is a block, somewhere.
Here, there.
The day I breach this dam
There will be a tumult of music,
Sounds, Screams!
Pulsing, pushing,
I Will Not Be Denied!

The silence will forever ring with my heart.

Just some pictures...

New maille stuff:

And cuteness

Florida Holiday: 70 degrees and Christmas Cranes

Well, I'm in Florida for Christmas. Liz's, my sister's, apartment is nice, a little small, but nice. A little sad that I'm spending time away from Chase when I have so little time till I go back to school. It'll be ok though, we have a few days before I leave.

It's been fun. We opened presents, had good food, and just generally enjoyed eachothers' company. I got a digital camera (yay!) and a couple of other fun little things. Dad seemed to give everyone a battery charger with rechargable batteries.

Tomorrow we're going to Universal Studios. Should be fun. Part of me would much rather be on the way back to Greenville so I could have one more day with Chase, but I'm sure this will be fun.

I have been talking through texts with Ian. He and his girlfriend broke up, and apparently he still wants to talk to me, though he hasn't called. *shrug*

Oh, and there are sandhill cranes nearby, a huge flock of them staying in a field during their winter migration. Mom, Liz, and I went and took pictures. Christmas Cranes.

Well....

So, I'm silly. As soon as I saw Chase most of my doubts just disappeared. (Only most because, well, see previous entry "Doubt is a Devil") I've spent most of my time home so far with him. One night we took blanket out into the field next to his house and stargazed. There were lots of shooting stars that night. It was practically perfect.

As for Ian...I'm a wuss. I haven't called him yet....Instead I just sent him a text message. I'm such a chicken.

Going home...or the other home

So I'm sitting in the airport, ready to go back to South Carolina. Thing is, I'm nervous. I didn't think much had changed this year, but now I'm rethinking that. Living in a house, off of campus, I'm realizing I've probably done a lot more growing up. Besides that, I haven't been home for a little more than 4 months. I know that things between my parents and I will be fine. That kind of relationship rarely changes. But Chase...I've already told him I'm nervous. We've kept in touch constantly since I left, but there's that worry that things will be different. I haven't seen him for four months. Have my feelings changed? Has he changed? I can't tell. I'm excited, and worried. And I also know i'm overthinking this way to much.
Another worry, I want to meet up and talk to Ian. For those who don't know, he's an ex who I dated for 3 years, and there's a connection there that I don't think will ever leave me. He called me a few weeks ago, and sounded really stressed. So I want to call him when i get home, but then again I don't. Last time I saw him was more than a year ago, and I was still trying to control my nerves enough not to be sick. I hope I'm over that. I can't really tell. I'm worried that if I call him he'll have changed his mind and not want to see me. Or worse, that he won't remember or will regret having called me before. It could happen. And here i go overthinking. The day I find a way to shut off my thoughts will be a great and relaxing day.
Five hours till I'm in South Carolina. Wish me luck.

Thanksgiving cliche post

It may be over done...but, I can't help myself. I felt the meaning this year...

I'm thankful for the small things this year. Soft fur and a gentle purr in my ear. Sitting in comfortable silence with friends. Having friends to be comfortable with. A dusting of snow. The little ache that reminds me of people who are missing: my sweetheart, my parents, and my sister, friends who are far and not so far away. Memories that make me nostalgic, and memories that make me happy to be who I am, have what I have now.
I'm thankful for realizing that I value my life more than I value my work, and realizing the my work does not have to be my life. I'm thankful for finding my intellectual niche. I'm thankful for my artistic soul and my scientific mind. I'm thankful for the laughter, the thoughts, and the lives of others. And for the first time in my life, I am thankful for humanity.
I am thankful for the existance of love. I am thankful for its sweetness, its bitterness, and its power.
I am thankful for you, whoever you may be. And I am thankful for the chance to be me, and the abitlity to be thankful.

Helter Skelter

I am trying to make sense of the strangest conversation I've ever had
With an old friend who is lost and seems to have gone mad.
I'm beggining to think that sanity is not Real Life.
Trying to reconcile memories with reality.

"She's well aquainted with the touch of a velvet hand
Like a lizard on a window pane.
A man in the crowd with the mulitcolored mirrors
On his hobnail boots.
Laying with his eyes while his hands are busy working overtime.
A soap impression of his wife that eat ate
And donated to the National Trust."